That is how I feel and look after some days at Institute.TFA's summer institute is demanding, to say the least. I've finished three weeks of teaching and I'm steadily improving. There's so much to say regarding institute, that I'm uncertain where my point of departure should occur. Emotional? Physical? Intellectual?
From the moment you arrive, you are fed into TFA's logistical leviathan. Besides a few hiccups, I'm bowled over by the streamlined processes that ensure this five week program's success and the uniformity of their approach. (It's no coincidence that most of the comment boards have pluses and deltas.) The folks who staff institute seem largely on top of their responsibilities--a few exceptions notwithstanding--and are here to assist. Staffers know the stresses of institute and meet us where we are to help mold us into teachers in five weeks. No mean feat.
Regarding my school, it's best for me not to discuss it or my students. I'm teaching kindergarten in Phoenix in a collaborative group (referred to and pronounced as co-lab) with three young women. Yes, the gender balance is tipped decisively in favor of women in TFA as a whole. I've been forced to reorient my mind to teach minds that require different needs. And while I knew this before leaving, it's another beast entirely to encounter and adjust on the fly when you've taught highly functioning college students. I am apprehensive as to whether I should be teaching K. I selected early childhood as one of my highly preferred areas and I'm committed to seeing it through with earnest toward succeeding in this role. Nevertheless, the past few weeks led me to realize the full breadth of my content knowledge in what is typically grouped as social studies.
This isn't a pleasant five week vacation. In fact, an eighteen hour day with little free time is not uncommon. I did not come to grips with the demands until we were thrown into the fire. I don't know if it's feasible for CMs to adequately grasp what's coming at you until you've descended into the breach. Someone might roll their eyes at my choice of language, but there are times when institute strains even a strong person's abilities to fight simultaneous emotional, physical, and intellectual fires.
Part of me wants to quip about being institutionalized and mulling over a speedy departure. After a few weeks, a few lingering doubts remain. Diane Ravitch's comments about TFA and the forces it champions doesn't ameliorate those nagging concerns. To be frank, I am uncertain if TFA as an organization privileges team player cohesion over expressing dissension in order to operate smoothly and train (and at times discipline) us to enter this world. Quite possibly this is how they manage to function, and part of me realizes that as a body it must push in this direction in order to thrive and survive. Staffers have always allowed me to state my misgivings. Whenever I have raised some concerns, I cannot accurately gauge the reply and subsequent interactions. Further, I dislike referencing my age and experience as a way to distinguish myself from some of my colleagues, but at times it's painfully obvious as a night out with a few CMs reinforced. Regardless, I have a profound respect and admiration for the staffers I've interacted with, especially my CMA, and I have found some impressive people to chat with and who share some of my viewpoints and personality. I elected not to mention any names, and I think it's the best course of action to allow many people to remain anonymous.
So where do I stand? Anyone who knows me can well understand that flagging certainty and muddled pride are my MO. My academic training has led me to be suspicious of my activities and my personality traits reinforce that skepticism. These comments were carefully articulated and I think my concerns will dissipate once I leave this meat grinder and actually begin teaching in my own classroom once I have my style and experience fixed. The welter of emotions and push-pull factors of home and normal life leave me with mixed judgments. I remain steadfast in my belief that I can foster a great deal of good in the classroom and young people's academic paths. That unites me with my fellow CMs and TFA's vision, and those bedrock similarities bring me into the fold, however reluctant I may be.
